Weekend Golf Humour – The Gospel According to St Titleist

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Last updated on March 12, 2019

On a rainy Saturday, here is something to cheer up all those suffering from withdrawal symptoms (courtesy of my colleague David Ball):

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. — Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. — John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. — Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. — Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. — Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. — Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. — William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. — Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. — Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. — Bishop Sheen

11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced. — Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. — Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. — Pete Dye

14. I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! — Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. — Billy Graham

16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon

17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain

18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. — Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. — Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. — Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. — Anon

22. The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. — George Deukmejian

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino

24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken. — Woody Woodbury

25. The No. 1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw them into the creek.


There is one serious note to conclude this post. Our company is sponsoring a 54 hole-one day charity event run by . No obligations, and please, please, do not feel compelled – but do consider looking at this link, playing, participating, sponsoring, or donating as little as 2 dollars. It is for a good cause, and many drops make an ocean. Intellectual disability affects around two to three per cent of the population in Australia. Anne didn’t choose to be like this. But you can choose to help people like her. Join hands with us and do our bit for the community! Investing in community building is an important aspect of a socially responsible supply chain. Seize this opportunity to accumulate goodwill and better yet, give people with intellectual disability the chance to shine through sport.

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